I don’t remember many of the thoughts I had about motherhood when my first daughter was born. I don’t really remember having high expectations or thoughts about it in particular. I’m sure I did, although they escape me now. Now that I’m nearly 7 years into my journey through motherhood with my oldest I definitely have a lot of thoughts about it. Motherhood is freaking hard. No one tells you this when you get pregnant and you’re picking out pretty little things for the nursery.
I’m the type of person that was born into the world with very little patience. Ever since I was a child I can remember not having much patience. If I didn’t master a skill right away I would get mad or quit. If I don’t find my place in a job right away I would find a new one. If I didn’t perfect that hobby instantly then I would quit.
But this whole motherhood thing… I just can’t quit it. It’s not like a job or hobby that can be replaced. This is one aspect of my life that I literally cannot stop doing. I have to be there for my girls. I love them more than life itself and on several occasions when I thought this was the end I begged for the Lord to take me instead.
Yet, time after time I feel like I’m failing them or that I’m just not enough. I have never been able to figure out why until I started recording my thoughts and noting my patterns.
The One Who Yells
I’ve said before I have very little patience. When I’m not in the mood to do something and my kids “inconvenience” me I would snap. I would get irritated and ask “why can’t you just figure it out”. This was unhealthy and telling my children they aren’t worth my time. I don’t want this for them. I definitely don’t want them growing up feeling like they can’t come to me with things because I might yell.
I’ve yelled at my oldest and I’m not proud of it. I often end up apologizing and we both end up in tears. It’s not pretty and I don’t do it because I think it’s a lot of fun. It’s something that would build up in me and it would spill over before I could get control of myself. Little did I know that when I would yell I was really just asking for help. It was my signal that I had had enough. My little patience was worn thin and I couldn’t handle anymore.
Then I started keeping track. Much like the when I get the feeling of wanting to quit I would make a note of the instances that would make me yell.
Taking Control of My Motherhood
That sounds kind of silly because it sounds like a verb, but really what else do I call it? I was at the point where I felt enough was enough. I didn’t want to ever have the feeling of quitting or worse yelling at my girls anymore. I was tired. Literally worn out at the thought of going home to a messy house and my kids making it even messier. Tired of the thought that I would start yelling at them for making more messes.
Then I was on an errand for work and this song started playing on my radio by Hunter Hayes.
“You gave me chances and I let you down
You waited for words that I couldn’t get out
I have no excuses for the way that I am
I was clueless then, I couldn’t understand
All that you wanted, and all that you needed
Was a side of me I never let you see
And I wish I could love you and make you believe it
Because that’s all you ever wanted
That’s all you ever wanted, from me…”
At that moment it had hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears began to fall at the stoplight. I couldn’t control it. I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had to change. For my daughters and my husband. For myself.
They deserve to have the mother that I always longed for but never had. The one that stops everything to open that bottle for them. That mom that takes an hour to make them their favorite cookies just because. The mom that is silly and has dance offs in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Most of all they deserve the mother that shows them love over impatience.
I had (have) had enough and I don’t want to be the mom that loses her shit anymore over the littlest things. I don’t want my objects to be more important than my kids. I want my kids growing up knowing they can come to me for love. Not wince every time they drop a plate or make a mess because they know that monster mommy is going to come out. I’ve seen the looks and heard the sighs.
For years I’ve felt that I need to “fix” my daughter because I didn’t like what she was doing. Here’s the scary thing… she doesn’t need to be fixed, I do. I need to be fixed. I’m the one that has the problem. Not my child.
Last week I was reading this amazing post about a woman that felt like a yelling monster with her kids. Honestly, it sounded as if someone had stolen the thoughts from me and taken them as their own. I couldn’t read the entire thing in one sitting because it was so brutally honest and felt so much like me that I was a blubbering idiot. I couldn’t read a paragraph without getting a new tissue.
I have tried and failed at being more patient and loving with my kids. Until now. This is it and I choose Only Love Today. I bought this book and so far I can feel myself within these pages. I don’t know the author but I feel as if she’s speaking right to me. It’s raw and consuming and I didn’t think that I would like it, but boy was I wrong. I love it. The insight within these pages has been wonderful.
I feel like the author is speaking right to me and for years I knew this is what I needed, but it takes more than telling myself something needs to change. It takes someone else exposing my flaws before I will truly act upon them.
Within these pages you get inspiration for whatever season of life you’re living. If you have a parenting struggle or a friend calls you with a problem. This book is as the description on Amazon reads… truly timeless. These little snippets are beautifully written and can be easily executed.
As I was reading it that first day I remember flipping through it and reading a section that was telling me that the past is the past, but today is a new day. Today I have the opportunity to start over and really live a life of intention and purpose.
I will have hope that I will not be the monster mommy that my children often see.
I will give myself grace when I need it the most.
I will choose to count the good times and not the bad.
I will stop shaming myself for the person that I am not and start loving the person that I am.
I will embrace my family with open arms and Only Love Today.
I created these affirmations for myself that have greatly helped with my lack of patience. They are a great reminder that I leave in places around the house and in my car. I’ve even placed one in my lunch box and in my bathroom. These are nice little reminders to keep me level-headed and remind me of my goal to be a steady safe place for my children. Grab them for yourself and print them on card stock! Cut them out and place them around your home as a reminder that you are the mother that you wish to be and despite everything you will continue to do your best.
Don’t forget to grab your copy of Only Love Today by Rachel Macy Stafford and start living your life with a little bit more purpose. You won’t regret it I promise!
Affirmations for Motherhood
Breathe life into your journey through motherhood with these affirmations.